FAMILY MATTERS (contd.)

PART TWO: THE DHONI FAMILY
Well there was the Das family. Now here is something about the Dhoni family. It is a vast one, and still flourishing. I wonder whether they are rabbits some days. They replicate so much!!
Anyways the first member of the clan was Mahendra Singh Shani. His children were named Phani, Johnnie, Dhoni, and Moni; all with the same prefix of Mahendra Singh. Now Shani had a pepperoni factory that was doing very well. But none of his sons seemed interested in taking over after his demise. Phani was very much into literature. Johnnie and Dhoni were great cricketers. And Moni wanted to be a doctor. Since Johnnie was the least talented at what he did, his father wanted him to take over the family business. That made Johnnie very angry and one day he ran away from home. He walked all the way to Scotland. The people there nicknamed him Walker for his legendary walking skills. Thus started the company Johnnie Walker, the one which most of us enjoy.
Shani was broken hearted at this and went into the skies, where he still lives as Saturn. Now Phani had to take responsibility and since he was a member of PETA, he closed the pepperoni factory. He started selling honey. That closed down too due to his ineptitude. So he went into exile, named himself Phani Dhar Sarma and started writing Assamese poems. Gross!!
Dhoni is still playing cricket. But he hates Virender Sehwag now. The cause of his hatred is that he has recently come to know that it was Sehwag who had advised his brother first to close down the pepperoni factory, and then to go into exile. He was jealous of the success of the Dhoni family, you see. Dhoni got his own back though, when he lied and cheated his way out of putting Sehwag out of the Indian T20 squad. Dhoni has done a good deed too. They had a distant cousin called Manpreet Singh Gony who family was very poor. Dhoni has at least given him the chance of coming into limelight.
You must be wondering what has happened to Moni. He has been banished because he only managed to get a seat in Assam Medical College and not at AIIMS. We know him by the name of Dr. Moni Greeva Krishnatriya now. He is an Otorhinolaryngiologist.
There is another person to add to all this confusion. She is my neighbor and her name is Loni. She has started a factory in the reverence of her forefather. She calls it Shani Honey and Pepperoni Factory.

FAMILY MATTERS

PROLOGUE: These creations are not entirely my own. The credit should be bestowed upon Utpal Sharma, Vinay Upadhyay, and Mithu Teron too. These are the discussions we have when we sit around doing nothing, which is to say, most of the time. Then we talk and wrought these “crap, lies, and bullshit”. You may proceed.

PART ONE: THE DAS FAMILY

Sur Das was the eldest of the four brothers. The others were Adi, Dev, and Bin. They were born orphans. Sur loved Dev because he kept on listening to Sur’s frustrating songs all day long. Adi was an entrepreneur at heart and hated Sur for sitting at his harmonium and causing pandemonium 24X7. he also hated Dev because he dared to like Sur’s music. Sur loathed Adi with all his heart since he had denounced music. Dev hated Adi just because Sur did. Bin loved them all/ but he loved Adi the most because he got an occasional rupee from him.
Now one day Sur was braying on his harmonium as usual. Adi had had enough. He broke the harmonium on his elder brother’s head and also gouged out both his eyes for good measure. (That is how Sur Das became blind). Dev went berserk with fury and informed the police. But Bin, who loved Adi the most, helped his favorite brother escape from India.
Things returned to normal in a few days time. Sur Das kept on singing his hopeless songs. Dev Das kept on listening to them. (Although in the midst he started preferring a different kind of music for some time.) bin kept on cursing Sur’s music, because it had estranged him from his favorite brother.
One day Bin Das got a parcel from somewhere in Germany. He opened it to find his favorite brother’s name inscribed in bold letters on the carton. Upom opening the carton, he found, to his delight, a pair of brand new sneakers. It was only then that he realized that his brother had started a multi-national company called ADIDAS. When Bin Das got married to a lovely girl by the name of Chandramukhi, they received a truckload of sneakers, sandals, tracksuits etc. for the newly wed couple. Obviously from Adi. (Dev Das emptied a full bottle of vodka and half bottle of Coke that day. Poor bastard.) Sur and Dev never received any gifts from Adi.
Sadly, though, their great lineage has tittered over the ages. Apart from Adi, there is only one other surviving member of their clan. She is Dr. Rachna Das. She has kept the name of her ancestor Bin Das alive, since she believes he was the inspiration behind the great man, Adi. She calls herself Bin. Bin Laden.