Fuckface, Zidane, and Cobri were seated on the floor with the empty glasses in front of them when I walked back into the room. They were my best friends. I was Psycho to them. We have been addressing each other thus since as long as we can remember. Even in public. I had gone out to receive a phone call as it was impossible to hear anything in the room, what with the heavy music.
“We thought you had grown roots with the phone to your ear”, Fuckface said. He always tried to be funny.
“After another girl Psycho? You won’t be able to impress her, the way your feet smell”, Cobri added. The pessimist. Now, I wouldn’t go to meet a girl without spraying some cologne on my feet too, would I?
“Sit down and finish your peg. We have been waiting for you”, the epitome of practicality Zidane said.
I sat down, drained my glass at one go and smacked my lips.
“So, who was it?” Zidane asked as he made another round of “little water”.
“Peter Pan”, Fuckface chirped. “Hey Psycho thinks Peter Pan is real. Maybe, too. In his make believe world.”
“Har har de har!” I said, while pretending to tickle myself.
“Isn’t he the loser who is supposed to be a doctor? That simple MBBS guy? Man, he won’t get his postgraduate seat, the way he drinks.” Cobri said that. Obviously.
I was in no mood to argue so I simply nodded my head.
“So what was it all about?” Zidane queried.
“Well he was telling me a part of his love story. The usual crap.”
“Oh, so now it is Eric Segal you were talking to? Knock, knock! He’s dead mate.” Guess who said that? Fuckface, who else?!
“Shaddup”, I snapped.
“His girlfriend must have ditched him”, Cobri opined.
With that we sat awhile in silence sipping our pegs. It is a little difficult to carry out a proper conversation when Rob Halford keeps screaming.
All of a sudden fuckface said, “It’s quiet.”
“That ain’t funny.”
“No I mean we haven’t been talking.”
“Is that a problem?’
“We are not talking because we have nothing new to talk about. We have talked so much in our lives to each other that we have exhausted all our topics”, Cobri said.
I couldn’t but smile at his point of view.
“Hey there is something new to talk about. Right Psycho?” Zidane said.
I got him right away. “No way”.
Sadly, the other two idiots got him right away too. “Yeah Psycho that would be fun”, Fuckface said. And both of them started to chant “Story, story!” in chorus, and that too in a sing-song voice. Imagine!
“No way. He told it to me as a friend. I shouldn’t go around telling his story to everyone.”
“Oh, he is a friend. And we are everyone”, Zidane said.
“Hey that’s blackmail.”
“Yeah, now we are blackmailers. And Peter is a true friend. Soulmate?” Fuckface said.
“Come on. It’s not like we are gonna split it to anyone else.”
They pestered me for some more time. I finally relented. After all for how long can you say no to your best friends?
“Okay, it’s not his love story though. It’s just an incident from his life. But turn down the volume first.”
Zidane reached for the remote and turned the music way down.
“Peter is Christian”, I started.
“Oh, really? I though he was an orthodox Brahmin”, Fuckface said.
“Stop trying to be funny Fuckface. There is no reason you will succeed today where you have failed for so many years”, Cobri lilted while picking his teeth.
“Stop bickering, you two, and let Psycho speak.”
“Yeah. So Peter is Christian. He had the hots for a Muslim girl when he was way back in school. They used to be good friends. And he used to fantasize about her! One day he couldn’t stop himself from expressing his feelings. She refused saying she couldn’t say yes because of their religious differences.”
“A rare specimen of a good girl”, Zidane commented. “At least she was being honest.”
“Anyways, they remained being friends. They left school and went to different colleges. They occasionally talked to each other over the phone. Neither of them had got involved with someone else. And they had numerous fights, as does good friends. Take our own Cobri and Fuckface for instance.”
“Cobri always starts the fights.”
“Yeah, and you are an angel.”
“Cut it, dudes. Grow up!”
“Really though, Fuckface must be tired of all the beatings I have given him.”
“See, what did I tell you guys? This asshole is always ready to pick a fight. Come on, lemme show you some moves, mate.”
They were almost at each others necks when Zidane interevened. I sat there amused. “I guess you are not interested in listening to me.” I finished my peg and jiggled the empty glass at Zidane. Curiosity mollified the idiots and they too sat down to empty their glasses.
“So during one of those telephone conversations”, I continued as Zidane poured the drinks, “she told him that she wanted to say something to him. When he asked what it was, she said that he already knew. Peter was kinda insistent and at length she told him that she had always been physically attracted towards him.”
“My, that’s cute”, Zidane said and went out for a pee.
“There must has been a glow on the loser’s face”, Cobri added.
Fuckface was speechless. He had always maintained that all girls were lesbians since he did not have a girlfriend.
I lit a cigarette and dragged deep waiting for Zidane to return.
The flush sounded and Zidane asked from the loo “What came out of the mutual physical attraction?”
“Loser”, Cobri commented.
“Well she went to Pune to study and Peter joined the medical college. Nothing could happen when a guy and girl can’t meet, right?”
“Sometimes nothing happens even when they meet”, Cobri again.
“Whatever. Cut to two years later. Peter was going steady with a girl. All of a sudden he gets a call from the Muslim girl. She wanted to meet. They set up a date. Neither of them could keep their eyes off each other when they met. Peter said if she was sexy earlier, she was super sexy then. They went for a drive and Peter sang her a song since his car didn’t have a music system. She sang along and held his hand and caressed his cheek. She sat so as she could run her foot up and down his calves.”
“Man, that was a sure come on!”
“Peter asked her what she wanted and she answered she wanted him.”
“Must have had a romp in the hay.”
“No. He stopped the car, bought her a chocolate, and drove her home. “
“It must have been funny because she asked Peter if he were gay! He replied, in his own words, ‘I am not gay. I am just faithful’. They have never talked since. Now his girlfriend has ditched him and he is rueing what he calls his misplaced sense of honour.”
“He shouldn’t. because he did what seemed right to him at that point of time”, Zidane said.
“But, my, how stupid can a guy be? I mean, that girl wanted to be fucked bad, from what I can make out. One shouldn’t miss such a chance”, Cobri said
“Look who’s talking”, Fuckface smiled. “Remember that one time when a girl invited Cobri to her house saying she lived alone?”
“You live alone? That must be very boring. I live in a joint family. It’s so fun”, I mimicked.
“Shove it. I missed a chance doesn’t mean that anyone else should”, Cobri said defiantly.
“What about you Zidane. When are you gonna go after a girl?” Fuckfcae asked.
“Think about yourself. I don’t need to go after a girl. My parents will search for a beautiful girl whom I will marry. That way I won’t get the blame if the girl turns out to be bithcy.”
“Fuckface doesn’t worry either. No girl’s gonna fall for him what with his horrible sense of humour”, Cobri said.
“You want a black eye, mate?”
“Guys, don’t fight, for a change. I have a question. Who, other than us three would believe even Psycho haven’t had a girl even with his charisma, style, and everything?”
“How does that matter if no one else believes me? You guys do, that more than enough.”
“Hear, hear!” the two idiots said in chorus.
“Hey, let’s finish up. It’s late and we won’t get anything to eat if we sit her any longer”, Zidane said.
So, we finished our pegs and got up to go.
“Yeah, mate, we can’t have sex due to our misplaced sense of humour. At least let us have some food. What?”
This guy. Our dear fuckface will die trying to be funny.